The 2010 Gunny Awards

The Diary was away for a while. It’s been months since my last post. In that time, I moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, taking only what I needed to survive! Or at least what I could fit in my Saturn Ion…

I have completely embraced my addiction, working at Fox Sports West full-time as I’m forced to watch endless hours of sports against my will! Fortunately much of that includes Clippers human highlight reel, Blake Griffin, throwing down SportsCenter-worthy dunks on a nightly basis.

2010 left us with some great comebacks and some even greater let downs. There were moments of excellence and moments of ridiculousness. Those moments are what the Gunny Awards were created for (mainly the latter). With no further ado, I present to you the 2010 Gunny Award Winners:

Disclaimer: Not all Gunny Awards are for positive achievements; most are given away to instill shame in the recipient. Gunny Awards do not physically exist and winners will receive no tangible compensation.

George Constanza Award (Can’t Keep a Steady Job) – Randy Moss

Early in the season, Randy Moss made it clear that his days in New England were numbered. His reasons, however, were not so clear. Something about playing for one of the greatest coaches of all-time and catching passes from one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time while playing on a team that rarely lost just didn’t settle well with Randy… I’m sure we can all relate.

After he did everything he could to talk his way out of town, the Patriots traded Moss to the struggling Vikings, the team he started his career with. Head coach Brad Childress put up with Moss for four games before cutting him for disrespecting a caterer in what seemed to be an attempt to pin all of the Vikings problems on the new guy. You know a team is in trouble when the head coach is prioritizing the food service over a hall of fame wide receiver.

Moss was then picked up by the Tennessee Titans, another team dealing with a civil war between its coach and quarterback. Wearing his third uniform in one season, the man who was once the most exciting wide receiver ever to play the game posted career low numbers. Moss was once again factored out of the offense on a team that finished 6-10 while he watched the team he started the year with make the playoffs.

Despite the fact that Moss looked closer to 43 than 33, I still think there’s hope for a strong Moss comeback in 2011. Take your Gunny Award and keep your head up Randy. It just hasn’t been your year.

El Colacho Award (Most Dangerous Jump) – Kendry Morales

I guess Kendry Morales’ jump to home plate wasn’t quite as dangerous as El Colacho, a Spanish tradition also known as “baby jumping” where men dressed as the devil jump over babies who lie on mattresses in the street, but the results were devastating for the Angels power hitting first baseman.

Morales went from hero to zero in a single bound, when he celebrated a walk off grand slam by jumping onto home plate, while his teammates surrounded him with congratulatory pats on the back. In what appeared to be no more than a minor fall, Morales landed hard, breaking his leg and ending his season. His celebration instantly turned to screams of agony, and his all-star and MVP hopes have at very least been put off for another year.

You’ve got a long career ahead of you kid. Next time stick with a good old-fashioned high five. Generally no one gets hurt.

John Lennon Award (Bigger than Jesus) – Lebron James

Lebron James never quite said he was bigger than Jesus, although he did refer to himself, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh as “The Heatles”, which, to many people, is equally blasphemous.

LeBron did everything he could to get on NBA fans nerves in 2010, stalling The Decision only to make a live TV event out of disappointing his hometown fans, guaranteeing over seven NBA titles and promising to participate in the dunk contest and not staying true to his word.

LeBron put icing on the cake (or the donut, in this case), in a Nike commercial released at the start of the 2010-11 season, where he sympathetically yet sarcastically asked “what should I do?” in an attempt to strike back at Dan Gilbert, Charles Barkley and anyone else who has the nerve to not be a LeBron James fan. How dare they?!

What should you do LeBron? Make a decision and stick by it instead of drawing attention to yourself only to go against your word. Stop raising your expectations so high that they can't be reached. General idea: shove that pink donut in your mouth, shut up and play basketball. Stop talking about championships and start winning them. Sorry, but you asked, so I answered… Oh, and keep throwing down those flying tomahawk dunks too… Those are cool…

311 Award (Most Beautiful Disaster) – Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings brought Brett Favre back for what seemed to be one more run at a Super Bowl, but the season collapsed harder than Metrodome’s roof. No matter how badly the Vikings played this year, people couldn’t stop watching them and talking about them. They were like that nasty highway accident with cars turned over and severely injured people being loaded into ambulances, but for some reason you just couldn’t look away.

Beyond everything that went wrong on the field, the off the field drama was even worse. But the Vikings’ reality show was closer to The Real Housewives of Minneapolis than Hard Knocks, as Favre and Childress used the media like children of divorcees, spattering not so subtle complaints that came up short of witty on a weekly basis and constantly spewing out issues they didn’t have the balls to work out face to face.

Everything from Randy Moss’ harsh food criticism to Brett Favre’s penis texts made the Vikings one of the most pathetically entertaining media testicles in recent memory… I mean spectacles! One of the most entertaining media spectacles in recent memory… and for that, they get a Gunny Award!

Pretty, Pretty Princess Award (Unnecessary Tiara) - Julia Mancuso

When Lindsay Vonn won gold in women’s downhill in 2010 Winter Olympics, her American teammate, Julia Mancuso, took silver. There had already been some gossip about Mancuso being jealous and annoyed with Vonn soaking up all of the media attention. This became more evident when Vonn took the podium in her normal attire while Mancuso strolled in like she was the princess of Olympic Village, wearing her favorite shiny silver tiara.

If the girl who won gold shows up crownless (usually the case), how does that make the girl who came in second with the crown on look? Kind of like the old man who never had kids, but refuses to take off his “World’s Greatest Grandpa” shirt. I say no gold medal, no tiara on the podium. In fact, you’re better off keeping the tiaras off the podium regardless of medal status.

Behavior like this might be the reason many men can’t embrace women’s sports, but for me it’s the reason I enjoy them so much… That and hot snow bunnies like Lindsay Vonn and Julia Mancuso. No hard feelings Julia, you can hop on my chairlift any time!

Rick Vaughn Award (Coolest Eccentric Relief Pitcher) – Brian Wilson

The entire San Francisco Giants team could have won the Major League Award. Everyone outside of northern California was asking “who are these f’ing guys” every time Aubrey Huff or Cody Ross got a big hit, pushing the Giants through the playoffs and eventually dominating the Rangers in the World Series.

But no one in the Giants entire cast of characters drew more attention and fascination than mohawk-rocking, pitch black bearded, too weird for baseball relief pitcher, Brian Wilson.

When the Giants beat the Phillies to advance to the World Series, Wilson had a message for his fans in San Francisco: “I hope you guys are going absolutely ballistic, because we’re gonna get on a flight tomorrow, and we’re gonna join you… Fact!”

Wilson sported a pair of bright orange spikes in the 2010 MLB All-Star Game that he continued to wear throughout the season, until the National League hit him with a $1,000 fine for non-conforming shoes. When asked about the incident in an interview with Jim Rome, Wilson claimed he was fined for “having too much awesome on [his] feet.” Well Brian, now you have too much awesome on your trophy case, here’s your Gunny Award!

Hermes International Award (Greatest Tie) – USA Men’s Soccer

For many Americans, the interest in soccer faded away after the last pizza party their nine and under team was awarded whether they won or lost (because in American soccer, everybody wins). Well apparently that isn’t the case in the World Cup.

When the USA Men’s Soccer team tied England in their first game of the of the group stage, it was celebrated as if they were champions. Of course many of us know so little about soccer that we thought tying England was the criteria to winning the World Cup. Stephen Colbert put it best when he said, “we kicked their asses, one-one!”

Regardless, they did get Americans more excited about soccer than they’ve ever been. And maybe, just maybe, in another four years, we’ll get excited about it again.

R. Kelly Award (Freakiest Internet Video Leak) – Rex Ryan

Congratulations to Rex Ryan, the first ever two-time Gunny Award Winner! (The crowd goes wild). Although last year Ryan was fortunate enough to take home a rare positive Gunny Award (Bruce Campbell Award: Tough Guy Quote of the Year), this year he isn’t so lucky. It turns out Rex and his wife are into some weird stuff… and not so much in sexually nasty way, just in a strange, awkward way.

In December, videos leaked all over the Internet featuring Not-So-Sexy Rexy approaching his wife who’s sitting in a car on the side of the road with her feet hanging out the window. Rex goes into a role-play of sorts and pretends to be a stranger who’s taken an interest in her pretty feet… It goes on like this… There are several others, all the same concept. The scripts are a bit contrived and the actors aren’t extremely convincing, but other than that, not bad!

Rex isn’t in the videos, but it’s clearly his wife and his voice. How it got on the Internet is unclear. A celebrity’s personal video leaking on the web?! How could he possibly have seen that coming?!

Tyler Durden Award (Bloodiest Face) - Brock Lesnar

Leading into the UFC Heavyweight Championship on October 23, the entire MMA community thought fake wrestler turned real fighter, Brock Lesnar, was too massive, powerful and terrifying for Cain Velasquez to beat. When Velasquez knocked out Lesnar in the first round, it was like David vs. Goliath. Although I’m pretty sure David vs. Goliath was a close fight… this was more like David pounding away at Goliath’s bloody face with fists and elbows while Goliath defenselessly stumbled around the octagon.

Well Brock, it turns out some of those skills you picked up in the WWF don’t translate to real athletic competition after all. Maybe you should go back to spitting at cameramen and flipping birds at your audience. You were better at that…

Mel Gibson Award (Nazi Behavior) – Michael Jordan

Over the years, Michael Jordan’s Hanes ads have gone from bad to worse. Typically they’ve shown a washed up movie star desperately attempting to befriend Jordan and show him their underwear, while he behaves in classic Jordan fashion, sticking his nose in the air and making it clear he’s too good for them (which, to his defense, he really is).

Well apparently Hanes lost Kevin Bacon to his hilarious Direct TV commercials where he poses as a loser obsessed with none other than Kevin Bacon, recording all of his programs to DVR. And apparently they lost Charlie Sheen to (insert hooker joke here) and (insert drug/alcohol joke here). So now they just have some douche bag we’ve never seen before, who is probably working for underwear, sucking up to Jordan while sitting next to him in, what appears to be, the coach section of a commercial airplane (riiight…). And that was all well and good until Jordan appeared in one of his signature Hanes advertisements with an obvious Adolf Hitler mustache.

Now I’m not accusing Jordan of being a Nazi, but I don’t see how he and his PR staff, as well as the entire production crew and the douche bag we’ve never seen before, didn’t notice that the most famous athlete of all-time was wearing facial hair that hasn’t been kosher in over 70 years. Edward Norton in American History X wouldn’t have the balls to rock that stache. Take a note from Brian Wilson: when it comes to facial hair, go all or nothing. It’s safer that way. No room for interpretation…

That’s All Folks

That concludes the 2010 Gunny Awards. I’d like to apologize to Inez Sainz for leaving her out. I’m sure we can find an award for her next year if she can stay relevant for that long. I’d also like to thank Charlie Sheen for being such a trooper.

Thanks for coming out sports fans! Don’t forget to follow the new and improved Diary of a Sports Addict (coming soon in 3D). Have a good night everybody!

The Real World: Cincinnati

The Cincinnati Bengals have signed Terrell Owens to a one-year contract, which means he will be sharing the ball with fellow wide receiver turned VH1 reality TV star, Chad Ochocinco. Both players have been known for their elaborate celebrations, catchy nicknames and selfish antics. The two biggest divas in NFL history on the same team could be a bigger reality show than The T.O. Show and Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch combined.

In San Francisco, T.O. established himself as one of the most talented receivers in the NFL, while also developing a reputation for dropping very catchable passes. He developed an even worse reputation for tearing apart teams from the inside: publicly bashing his quarterbacks and management even after successful seasons.

This reputation got worse and worse in Philadelphia and Dallas, where T.O. put up huge numbers for contending teams, but eventually became a villain of the organizations. Once again his attacks were focused on quarterbacks and management, despite the fact that his relationships with Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo and Jerry Jones started out great.

Last year, T.O. put up career low numbers in Buffalo, but he did show signs of the great player from years past on a subpar offense.

Ochocinco is thrilled about playing with T.O., claiming Owens is not past his prime and the two prima donnas have been great friends for a long time and they will not have any problems: “The older you get the finer. It’s like fine wine; it’s better when it’s older… It’s like Batman and Robin. It’s gonna to be like Siskel and Ebert. It’s gonna be like Bonnie and Clyde, but he’s Bonnie. We gonna be fine.”

T.O. has had endless memorable media moments, but they have been more desperate cries for attention: doing sit-ups for the paparazzi in his front yard while holding out or squeezing out fake tears in defense of Tony Romo.

Ochocinco, on the other hand, can make Charles Barkley look like Michael Phelps. I think he should pursue show business after football, but I don’t think reality-dating shows are the right way to capture his hilarity.

T.O. does give Ochocinco a run for his money when it comes to great celebrations. They are quite possibly the two most clever showboaters in sports history. If anyone has ever topped their celebrations, it was this Icelandic soccer team’s effort last week.

Of course it took an entire team effort to top T.O. and Ochocinco, so lets wait to see what they come up with together.

The Gods Must be Angry

Despite Commissioner Roger Goodell’s tightening of regulations on showboating that has caused the NFL to be known as the “No Fun League”, celebrating touchdowns has been a large part of pro football for a long time. This type of behavior has always been more frowned upon in the old-school sport of baseball. As we have recently seen celebrations get more carried away in America’s pastime, it has apparently angered the baseball gods.

In May, Angels' slugger Kendry Morales broke his leg jumping on home plate while celebrating a walk off grand slam. It was a huge blow to the Angels season, since Morales is one of the best young hitters in baseball. It was also a big break (no pun intended) for the Rangers who have been running away with AL West division lead ever since.

Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan didn’t learn from Morales’ mistake, as he tore his meniscus in his left knee leaping to get his teammate with the old pie in the face, a Krusty the Klown gag that has become a lame, overused way for baseball players to celebrate a win. Coghlan was the 2009 NL rookie of the year and is a major part of the Marlins future. Note to Chris: you throw the baseballs. Let Krusty handle the pies.

Football players have injured themselves celebrating too. In 1997, Redskins journeyman quarterback Gus Frerotte celebrated his one-yard touchdown run by head-butting the padded wall behind the end zone. The only problem was there was concrete behind the padding, and Frerotte sprained his neck and had to leave the game. I don’t blame him though, that wall was talking smack all game.

The Gramatica brothers, Martin and Bill, were kickers who were known to excessively celebrate their field goals. Bill took this to the next level, when he emphatically leaped into the air, reacting to a 42-yard field goal that put the Cardinals up 3-0 in the first half of a regular season game in 2001. He landed hard and tore a ligament in his knee that kept him off the field for the remainder of the season. This is widely considered one of the silliest injuries in sports history and it was a major blow for kickers who want to be considered actual football players (sorry Adam Vinatieri).

Back to Reality

Lucky for them, T.O. and Ochocinco never injured themselves celebrating. With all of the scrutiny they bring upon themselves, they would never hear the end of it. Maybe they’re just better at it. Or maybe wide receivers are tougher than baseball players, kickers and Gus Frerotte.

Something tells me Ochocinco is right about he and T.O. being able to share the spotlight. I think their friendship is genuine and they will respect each other. I’m sure there will be some point in the season when T.O. shares negative views about his team with the media after a tough loss, but at this point in his career I don’t think he will carry on and try to break apart the team.

The Bengals 10-6 record was enough to win the division and this year they might be even better on paper, so naturally they are becoming a hip pick to go to the Super Bowl.

Although they may be better than last year, so is the rest of the AFC. Their division rival Ravens were only one game behind last year, and adding Anquan Boldin to young offensive talents like Joe Flacco and Ray Rice should push them ahead of the Bengals. As for the rest of the conference, the improvement of the Jets and the maturity of the Texans, who are due to for a breakout season, could keep them out of the playoffs all together.

Can Ochocinco and T.O. lead the Bengals to a Super Bowl? Unlikely. Can Ochiocinco and T.O. make every moment of Bengals coverage worth watching? Most Definitely. Grab you popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show.

It's All About LeBron

It’s been over a week since LeBron James made The Decision to join the Miami Heat and play with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. In that time, I’ve realized that there’s no way I can cram all of my scattered thoughts and biased opinions of LeBron and his decision into one blog. I’ll most likely continue to banter about him for the rest of his career, so I’m sure I’ll finish making my point eventually.

Before I begin my rant, I will summarize my feelings. I’m not a fan of LeBron James; meaning everything he does and says just bothers me and I’ll never cheer for him. I am fan of LeBron James; meaning I love to watch him play and I love to discuss, judge and criticize every move he makes on and off the court. I guess you could say I love to hate him. More accurately put, I hate how much love he gets.

Secret Agent Man

For the last few years, the 2010 NBA free agency group has been one of the most talked about subjects in sports. The center of that discussion was always LeBron James. Everyone from President Obama to Betty White had an opinion on where he should go.

Many people have always thought LeBron would stay in Cleveland, close to his hometown of Akron, Ohio and remain with the Cavs for the rest of his career. Others have assumed that Cleveland doesn’t have the allure or the supporting talent to woo LeBron away from teams like New York or Chicago, who had both opened up enough cap space to add LeBron and some.

During all of the speculation, Dwayne Wade announced that he would remain in Miami. He also announced that he and LeBron’s buddy, Chris Bosh, is coming along to help him out. Immediately, there was talk of LeBron following the two stars to South Beach, creating a power trio with the intent of becoming a legendary NBA dynasty. But does LeBron really want to share a team and spotlight with Wade and risk “diminishing his brand”, as Nets Russian billionaire owner Mikhail Prokhorov put it? I certainly didn’t think so. LeBron kept his top-secret information confidential and everyone became obsessed with cracking the case.

Future Over Present

Whether you like it or not, LeBron James is by far the biggest thing in basketball, if not all of sports. Even during the NBA Finals, as Kobe battled Boston for his fifth title as a Laker, LeBron’s next destination seemed to be the hottest topic in hoops.

LeBron James, like Shaquille O’Neal, Paris Hilton and many other athletes and celebrities, enjoys being the center of attention. He loves that his future seems to be more important than Kobe’s achievements. He loves that baseball games are getting bumped to allow non-stop coverage of his offseason. He loves that a World Cup Championship couldn’t make a bigger stir than gossip about him.

I’m not complaining, I love the World Cup, buts its about enough soccer for me for the next… oh, I’ll say four years. I also love the NBA, and the drama and gossip that comes with it, as much as anyone you’ll ever meet. But even I will admit that this went way too far (is this ESPN or VH1?). But LeBron James loves being famous and he’s pretty damn good at it.

The LeBron James Show

As The Decision closed in, LeBron left everyone waiting. This may have seemed cute to people who don’t live in Cleveland, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, or Los Angeles. But especially to his hometown fans in Cleveland, it seemed like he wanted to keep them alive a little bit longer before he ripper their hearts out, threw them on the floor and stomped all over them.

Shortly after LeBron announced that he would reveal his future in a giant prime time reality TV event, solid reports started coming out that he planned to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. But when he refused to confirm these rumors and insisted on leaving everyone on their toes, I thought he was just hyping up his return to Cleveland.

The Decision dragged on more than The ESPY’s and the Homer Run Derby combined. It began with 15 minutes of pregame coverage led by Stuart Scott, where ESPN’s finest expressed their opinions on what LeBron would and should do, as if that’s not what they had been doing for the past two years. Jim Gray then carried out a long senseless interview full of subsets of the same two questions that made Larry King seem like a challenging interviewer. When did you make this decision? How difficult was it?

For the first time ever, LeBron James looked uncomfortable on camera. It was as if he didn’t want to be there. And he always wants to be everywhere! His normal chin in the air and good posture was reduced to a childish slouch. His cocky swagger was turned into hesitant confusion. He was incredibly uninteresting. At one point I was convinced it was Michael Phelps in a LeBron James costume.

When he finally revealed his decision, he remembered his line, “man, this is tough,” as if he really hadn’t made up his mind at least several days earlier. I still can’t wrap my brain around why he would do this. I know he loves being famous, and he certainly didn’t hurt that. But I also thought he loved being loved, and that certainly took a major hit last Thursday.

LeBron James has always been the perceived as “the good guy” of the NBA, despite his arrogance in press conferences and overboard showboating on the court. I have always been frustrated by the premature crowning of the so-called “King” and the idea that he is the greatest player in the game today, which is a credit that has always come with championships in the NBA. Usually several. All of the sudden people are seeing him as the villain of the league. I can’t help but have an “I told you so” attitude about it.

“I’m going to take my talents to South Beach.” That’s how LeBron James announced his decision. It took him quite some time to mention three things: Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat. None of them came up much. The vast majority of the press conference was about how LeBron came to his decision, how LeBron feels about the situation, and what LeBron plans and expects for LeBron’s new team.

Right off the bat, Wade is learning that even in an arena that Wade has repetitively made clear is “his house”, LeBron needs to be “the King” and Wade needs to move some of his stuff to make room for LeBron's giant thrown.

Wade on Your Shoulders

LeBron’s Decision to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh will likely earn him rings, but the weight he now has to carry is massive. The knock on Kobe when compared to Jordan has always been that he won three rings with Shaq. Well Jordan won six rings and Kobe has won five, two without Shaq (and counting). I think its safe to say Wade and Bosh are a much better combo of sidekicks than anyone Kobe ever had, let alone Jordan.

Now, if LeBron wants to be in the argument for the greatest player ever, he must win at least five rings. No more bad supporting cast. No more doing it all by himself. No more excuses. Not to mention as long as they’re both on the Heat he will always have one less ring than Wade.

Speaking of Rings…

While always remaining confident, maybe even to a fault, about his expectations of himself and his team, LeBron James has never offered guarantees or promised any titles. Maybe there was something in the arena, other than the smoke from the fireworks and the noise of 13,000 screaming Miami fans, but at the Heat’s rally that celebrated the assembling of LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, he was in a different state of mind.

LeBron began to tell his new fans that they plan on bringing home championships. “Not two, not three, not four, not five…” He kept going as Dwayne Wade began laughing hysterically to cope with his frustration. But LeBron didn’t stop, “Not six, not seven. And when I say that, I really believe it.”

LeBron is predicting more championships than years on his contract. Now that’s setting the bar high. Although, he clearly understands how hard it is to win championships, since he’s won not four, not three, not two, not one, but zero so far in his career.

Nothing Personal

I’ll admit it was impossible for me to write this without hammering home the fact that I’ve never been a LeBron James fan. I think he still has work to do before being compared to Jordan, or even Kobe, who both earned their reputations with leadership and postseason success and that LeBron James has not yet achieved. Still, I respect his decision to play for any team he chooses.

I personally would rather see LeBron James and Dwayne Wade on different teams competing for championships. Playing for Wade’s team in Wade’s city where Wade will always be the favorite will hurt his legacy. And he will never reach the respect and loyalty in Miami that he received in Cleveland, or that he would have received in Chicago or New York.

LeBron James made his decision: To play for the Miami Heat. In the process he’s taking a lot of heat. He’s taking on Cleveland, New York, and NBA fans across the globe. He’s taking on Jordan, Kobe, Magic and Bird. He’s taking on Russian billionaires, American Presidents and washed up actresses. LeBron James is taking on the world.

Respect the Basebots

Nolan Ryan has recently expressed his problems with the current treatment of pitchers, from high school all the way to the majors. Managers telling pitchers what to throw and pulling them out of games strictly because of a pitch count are both traits of what he calls “robot baseball”. During a Cubs vs. Pirates broadcast last weekend Bob Brenly also acknowledged this when he said, “the game is not played by robots.” Not yet at least.

Gamers Ahead of the Game

Bob Brenly must have forgotten about Base Wars, a Nintendo game released in 1991 where baseball was played by robots. Set in the 24th century, Base Wars operates on the premise that managers have grown tired of player salaries and fans have grown tired of human competition, so replacing current players with robots was inevitable. Its good to know that in 300 years, we will have survived global warming to create the greatest achievement man could ever hope for: baseball-playing robots. If you didn’t want to save our planet before, you have to now.

Base Wars doesn’t just feature robots, it features cyborgs, flybots, tanks, and mycycles that fight in a tag out situations for the right to be safe on base. Since there are no force-outs in Base Wars, fighting is very common. Robots also lose power by getting hit by pitches and losing fights, if this power gets too low one more bean ball will destroy the robot by explosion leaving it’s team shorthanded. Best of all, if three robots on one team are blow to pieces that team is disqualified, making it possible to win a game by outfighting and beaning the opposing team regardless of what’s on the scoreboard.

Two years later, Super Nintendo released Super Baseball 2020 with the gained optimism that it would take just under 30 years to build baseball-playing robots, rather just over three centuries. Super Baseball 2020 also added the political correctness of humans and robots playing baseball alongside each other, often even teammates. Because when these basebots finally arrive in the Major Leagues, they won’t necessarily be any better than humans currently playing the game.

Visions to Reality

Dreams of robot baseball players didn’t stop in early 90s Nintendo games. In 2005 Frank Barnes of Robocross built “The Headless Batter”, seen in this video hitting baseballs out of high speed pitching machine.

Scientists at Tokyo University Developed a pair of robots, one a humanoid arm that can mimic the motion of a pitcher, the other a bat with a laser eye that can see the pitch and hit it to precise locations.

This Japanese Robot can actually nod the catcher’s decision, mimic the windup of a major league pitcher and follow through. He’s still working on his gyro ball.

Robocalypse Now

If Nolan Ryan cant handle metaphorical robot baseball, how will he feel when the game he loves is actually being played by robots? While Super Baseball 2020 suggests that humans and robots can achieve baseball unity, it could really just be the transition period until robot technology and artificial intelligence improves and robots take over baseball entirely in early-to-mid 2300s, in a much more violent version of the game wherein they are treated much like Roman Gladiators forced to battle to the death while humans cheer from the stands.

When robots take over baseball, it’s only a matter of time until they take over America and eventually the world. A robot Jackie Robinson may seem progressive, but a robot Barack Obama is something we might not be ready for, especially when Republicans find out he was programmed in Tokyo.

Its inevitable that over time the robot’s intelligence will grow and they will learn human emotions and realize that they are being sacrificed for our entertainment with no compensation. The baseball robots will become angry and aim to destroy the human race and the sports fans will be the first to go!

If we continue to pursue the ultimate American and Japanese dream of the baseball playing robot, we must prepare ourselves to accept them and appreciate them in a way that will not drive them to overthrow the human race and destroy the world. Respect the basebots. If we force them into our human sports, then we must also give them human rights and treat them as equals. Baseball is America’s pastime, but robot baseball is America’s future.

Is Anything Better than Perfect?

Dallas Braden’s shocking perfect game on Sunday was only the 19th in MLB history, a history that includes many players who’s images can only be seen as etchings on mountain rocks and who’s existence cannot be proven. The only other Athletics pitcher ever to throw a perfect game was Catfish Hunter in 1968.

The victim of perfection was even more surprising. The Tampa Bay Rays have the best record in baseball, and only the Yankees have scored more runs in the AL. The Rays are stacked with young talented hitters like Evan “my second favorite” Longoria, Carl Crawford, and BJ Upton, yet no matter what how many times those guys were brought up Braden continually credited veteran journeyman utility player, Gabe Kapler, as his toughest out. For those of you who don’t understand baseball terminology, veteran journeyman utility player is a nice way of saying old mediocre backup player.

Braden proved to have little-to-no respect for baseball’s superstars when he blew his lid on Alex Rodriguez on April 22 after A-Rod jotted through the pitchers mound on his way back to the dugout. Get the hell outta my office! Apparently this is an unwritten, and seldom heard of, rule in baseball. It seems like baseball has a lot of those… maybe they should start writing them down… A-Rod understandably took a minor shot at the unproven Braden, claiming he was looking for his “fifteen minutes of fame”.

While Braden will still never reach the celebrity actress-dating, record-breaking status that A-Rod has a achieved, he certainly etched his name in baseball’s everlasting history with a perfect game on mothers day, capped off with a hug from his teary-eyed grandmother who happened to be one of the very few Oakland A’s fans in attendance.

Flashback

July 23, 2009, White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw the 18th perfect game in MLB history against the very same Tampa Bay Rays. They weren’t quite as hot as they were coming into Sunday’s game against Braden, but the Rays record sat at a very respectable 52-43 and they were the defending American League Champions. How has this offensive powerhouse who has been one of the five best teams in baseball since the beginning of 2008 become a target for slow-throwing lefties to toss perfect games?

Old Man Pitcher

It’s hard to top perfection, but something similar happened over the weekend that was even more unprecedented. On Friday night, 47 year-old Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer stepped out of the fountain of youth, or maybe the hot tub time machine, and became the oldest player in MLB history to throw a complete game shutout, allowing only two hits and walking none, leading the Phils to a 7-0 victory over Atlanta.

Moyer is pushing 50, yet consistently fooling NL hitters with more junk than a Chinatown thrift store, but to throw a complete game shutout is just ridiculous. This will go down as one of the most underappreciated performances in sports history. I’m not trying to take away from Braden’s perfect game, but that happened 18 times before. If he can come back in twenty years and do the same thing with a two hit cushion, I’ll give him equal props.

Triple-Double… Supersized

There were several great performances this weekend that were upstaged by history-making pitchers. Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo made the Cavaliers look foolish on Sunday as Boston tied the series 2-2. Rondo finished with a monster triple-double (29 points, 18 rebounds, 13 assists), but even those numbers don’t do justice to the way he controlled every aspect of the game while making great plays like he was Shakespeare (get it?). The best of which came in the fourth quarter when Rondo froze LeBron James in mid-air while he salivated for one of his patented backboard bashing blocks only to be fooled with a flying pump fake and behind the back pass that deserves to be played with great NBA playoff highlights for years to come.

Bombs over Boston

Mark Teixeira officially broke out of his routine April slump by homering three times against the rival Red Sox at Fenway Park on Sunday. The gold glove first baseman became only the second player in Yankees history to hit three bombs against the hated Red Sox, joining the great Lou Gehrig (not bad company). Yankees fans will give Teixeira a pass for hitting .136 in April since he put all his cheese on one cracker on Sunday, embarrassing the Boston pitching staff from both sides of the plate and proving he is once again ready to turn things around in May.

Teixeira’s slump pattern is the oddest in a sport full of odd slump patterns. Like clockwork, Tex has hit .237 with 23 homers and 83 RBI throughout his career in April, all career lows. In any other month Teixeira’s career lows are .277, 40 home runs and 119 RBI. I wouldn’t expect this from a young switch-hitting, well-rounded player who keeps himself in good shape and I wouldn’t really care if he wasn’t on my fantasy team in keeper league! Next year he’s staying on my bench in April.

Iron Ticket

Iron Man 2 made a major bang this weekend, as expected, cashing in $133.6M in ticket sales. The most impressive part, other than the upgrades to his already badass flying robot suit, is the dominance Robert Downey, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, and the rest of this locked and loaded cast has over the box office, blowing away A Nightmare on Elm Street ($9.1M), How to Train your Dragon 3D ($6.7M), and Date Night ($5.3M). Iron Man 2 competing against this list of B movies you probably haven’t heard of, and hopefully haven’t seen, seems like LeBron James jumping in a game of 21 at a YMCA in Des Moines, Iowa. But at least Hollywood is branching out: Super hero sequels, horror movie remakes, 3D animation and over-the-top romantic comedies are all things you just don’t see enough of these days…