The Real Cinderella and Other Tales of the Tourney

Back to Madness

After last year’s shockingly predictable NCAA tournament, with no Davidson or George Mason underdog bandwagons to jump on, audiences began to forget just how mad March can be. This year’s tournament has brought us all sorts of beautiful madness packed full of overtimes, buzzer-beaters, upsets and unexpected heroes.

The Real Cinderella

There are three low seeded small conference teams who are still in the dance, but who really fits the slipper? St. Mary’s, Cornell and Northern Iowa have been terrible for brackets but great for entertainment. Cornell looked like a one seed as they punished Temple and Wisconsin, but they have by far the toughest challenge of the three underdogs. Kentucky is too big, too talented and too well coached to lose that game, but the other two just might have a shot…

Get Your Samhan’s Off Me!

St. Mary’s big man Omar Samhan has been the best player in the tournament so far and he’s not afraid to tweet about it. He’ll have to be nothing short of that for his Gaels to beat the Baylor Bears. Baylor center Ekpe Udoh gives up about 20 pounds to Samhan, but Udoh is a better shot-blocker and a much tougher matchup than anyone Samhan has faced in the tourney so far. Even if Samhan wins the battle down low, between LaceDarius Dunn, Tweety Carter, Ekpe Udoh and Quincy Acey, Baylor has too much offensive talent and too many hilarious names to fall to St. Mary’s.

Role Reversal

That leaves us with the Northern Iowa Panthers, who made number one overall seed Kansas look like… well, like you would expect Kansas to make Northern Iowa look, I suppose. Aside from a few turnovers against the Jayhawks full court press late in the game, the Panthers did everything right. Particularly center Jordan Eglseder, who took it to future lottery pick Cole Aldrich for 14 points and five boards during only 18 minutes on the court, and guard Ali Farokhmanesh who buried nine threes in the first two games of the tourney, including the dagger that erased the chalk from the Jayhawks and will likely immortalize Ali F in One Shining Moment montages for years and years to come.

This is Sparta, isn’t it?

Michigan State is riding on an emotional high themselves after knocking off Maryland with a buzzer beating three, despite a career summarizing run by Terrapin senior Greivis Vasquez late in the game. But the great win came with terrible news for the Spartans when the team announced that star point guard Kalin Lucas will miss the remainder of the tournament with a ruptured Achilles tendon. Although Lucas’ backup, Korie Lucious, was clutch in knocking down the game winning shot, he struggled with point guard duties, totaling only two assists in 27 minutes on the floor. The team looked out of sync offensively when Lucas left the court and the Terrapins began to make their comeback.

The Izzone Defense

Coach Tom Izzo has had all week to prepare his Spartans to win a battle without their greatest warrior, and Northern Iowa doesn’t have a dominant point guard themselves. No matter how much Lucas means to the Spartans, and no matter how hungry these Panther’s are, they are still not nearly as talented or experienced as Michigan State. I give the slight edge to the Spartans in what I expect to be a great game, but if you’re looking for an underdog to move on, the Northern Iowa Panthers are your guys. I guess they would be undercats…

I went to the Sports Addict Lab and conducted various complicated and highly technologically advanced studies to determine the chances each Cinderella team has of advancing past the Sweet Sixteen. Here are the results:

Cornell over Kentucky: 12%

St. Mary’s over Baylor: 31%

Northern Iowa over Michigan State: 46%

Self Pity

How is an All-American senior with more experience than any player in the tournament made to look like an unpolished freshman prospect on his first day in the starting lineup?

How does a team who shot over 40% from beyond the arc this year only make 6-23 despite having wide open looks all day?

How do three 2010 first round draft picks allow Ali Farokmanesh to look like the best player on the floor?!

How does Bill Self sit back and remain calm while his team fails to box out down the stretch, or move the ball around and run the offenses that they’ve beaten teams with all season?

We’ve seen upsets like this before, but to see a team as talented and experienced as Kansas play so poorly for an entire tournament game, and still have so many blown chances to get back in it, was just bizarre. Bill Self had no sense of urgency, looking bored on the sideline and not instituting the full court press until way too late in the game, especially since full court pressing was the only thing Kansas did well. Senior point guard Sherron Collins made his last college game ever his worst, turning the ball over five times while only dishing out four assists and shooting an atrocious 4-15 from the field, missing all six of the three point shots he forced up. What’s even more shocking than all the things Kansas did wrong, is that they only lost by two! Just think about how little they had to do right to win that game? Sorry to be so hard on you Kansas, but its not nearly as bad as what you did to my bracket.

Sexy East

The Big East has been the big bust this year. We were all naively taken her sexy high scoring games and all the fun she gave us this season without recognizing her immaturity and lack of commitment to defense. Syracuse and West Virginia are still in great shape, but the other six Big East teams failed to make it to the Sweet Sixteen despite very favorable seeding.

Louisville, Georgetown, Marquette and Notre Dame all fell in the first round. All of them but Louisville were favored to win. Villanova couldn't get past confident underdog St. Mary’s in the second round despite being a common final four pick and Pittsburgh was X’ed out by the Musketeers in round two as well.

Doesn’t it seems like every year we’re convinced that one or two conferences have all of the competitive teams in the nation and every other conference is “down”, yet mid-majors and teams from those “down” conferences keep making up the majority of the sweet sixteen? I guess the moral of the story is: We don’t know #%&@!

Dancing Without the Stars

While Big East teams are dropping like Jayhawks, three out of five Big Ten teams in the tournament have advanced to the Sweet Sixteen despite difficult matchups and injuries to star players. Michigan State survived without Kalin Lucas in the second half of Sunday’s game against Maryland, and Purdue lost star forward Robbie Hummel late in the regular season but were still able roll through Siena and Texas A&M last weekend.

Doesn’t it seem like every year we ignore the Big Ten until they grind out tough tournament wins with great defense? We would say we're sorry, but I’m sure we’ll just do it again next year.

The Rest of the Story

Since my actual bracket is ruined, along with everyone else in the country who's not lying, I thought I’d give it another shot:

Syracuse will stay hot this weekend, crushing Butler and sneaking past an overlooked Kansas State squad. The Orange won’t have enough flavor to get past the Buckeyes in the Final Four and Ohio State will move on to the title.

Darryl Bryant’s injury won’t be enough to stop West Virginia from beating Washington, but the Mountaineers will get topped by Kentucky on their way to Indy.

Purdue hasn’t boiled up quite enough momentum to get past the Blue Devils, but Duke’s run will end in the Elite Eight against a deep Baylor squad. The Bears will get bit by the Wildcats in the Final Four as Kentucky moves on to give John Calipari his first ever National Championship in a game that will feature the three best players in college basketball: Kentucky’s John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins and Ohio State’s Evan Turner.

Sweet and Elite

This weekend is the best in American sports, the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight are still packed full of games and the matchups get even tighter with nothing left but the hottest teams and the most talented players. This is when the Cinderella’s really have a chance to write a story to remember and the favorites prove why they’re favored. Hopefully I won’t have to update my predictions again next week, but regardless what happens, this weekend will leave us with some great memories. Enjoy the madness.

Put Your Mouth Where Money Is

Disclaimer: Do not place bets based on any information obtained in this blog. Never trust an addict.

After Manny Pacquiao’s somewhat pointless victory over Joshua “No Punch” Clottey on Saturday night, it became more clear than ever that there’s really only one matchup boxing fans want to see: Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao. Since Pacquiao is the obvious good guy in this pairing, all of the typical boxing politics that have prevented the fight from happening have been blamed on the Mayweather camp.

Bad Blood

Its one thing that Floyd “Money” Mayweather Jr. doesn’t get credit as one of the greatest athletes in the world (which he is) but when people are unjustly calling him out in his seldom-covered sport of boxing, things have gone too far. I understand that he is basically the least likable personality in sports and Manny Pacquiao is just the opposite, but we still have to look at the situation somewhat objectively. When Mayweather called for prefight blood testing that would cover all traceable PEDs, Pacquiao would not agree with the terms for “superstitious” reasons. Ah, the old “don’t draw blood within 30 days of a fight” superstition… I think it’s a Filipino thing…

Devil’s Advocate

People were quick to hang this all on Mayweather, claiming he must not want to fight Pacquiao, but it seems to me that many of these casual boxing fans, and sportswriters who haven’t watched a fight since Tyson took a bite out of Holyfield’s ear, are saying anything they can to save the reputation of the lovable Manny Pacquiao. I see the situation differently: I say Mayweather knows he can beat Pacuiao as long as there’s no funny stuff. I say, despite the fact that Mayweather’s request was unprecedented, he wanted to prove that the sport of boxing was clean in the biggest fight in recent history. I say Pacquiao didn’t think he could balance his political campaign while training for a fight against the true greatest pound-for-pound boxer on the planet, Floyd Mayweather Jr., unless he had a little “extra help”.

I’ve never witnessed an athlete taking so much heat for encouraging drug testing and attempting to make sure their sport was clean. I can't help but think that if the tables were turned and Pacquiao was calling for testing that Mayweather rejected, Mayweather would then be bashed for doping and would still be accused of dodging the fight.

The Aftermath

When the fight fell through, Mayweather made a statement by agreeing to fight the only other guy who deserves a shot at either of them, Shane Moseley. A proven veteran fighter with a big name who is much better at this point in his career than many people think he is. Meanwhile, Pacquiao threw up a garbage fight against Joshua Clottey that was more painful to watch than Pacquiao singing on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igZKHOnS25c

Clottey’s unorthodox “don’t fight back” strategy did get him through 12 rounds, although he basically lost every one of them on every scorecard.

When a fighter gets to a point in his career when he’s considered one of the all-time greats, he should only bother taking fights against other great fighters. That is what Mayweather is trying to do and that is what Pacquiao should do.

The Bottom Line

I’m not a fan of Floyd Mayweather Jr. the man, but having watched his first ever title defense and basically all of his matches over the last 12 years, its impossible to say I’m not a fan of Floyd Mayweather Jr. the boxer. While everyone always calls for his head and claims he dodges the best contenders, he always ends up fighting them and beating them convincingly.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. will beat Shane Mosley on May 1, he will schedule a fight with Manny Pacquiao that will take place before the end of 2010 (I’ll say September) and Floyd Mayweather Jr. will beat Manny Pacquiao regardless of what kind of testing is issued, and they will both make a lot of money. I’ve always said its never a good idea to bet against Floyd Mayweather Jr., too bad I’m not a gambling man or I’d be very rich from that theory (40-0). When it comes to boxing: Always put your money on Money.

Ode to Super Bowl Sunday

To my brethren who struggle to get through the six days a week that wearing a jersey is deemed socially unacceptable, this is your holiday…

To everyone who believes that the holiest place to be on a Sunday is a sports bar with NFL Sunday Ticket and multiple flat screens TVs, this is your holiday…

To my coworkers who preemptively called in sick the following Monday anticipating a hangover and a lack of sleep, this is your holiday…

To the die-hard sports lovers who cringe when you hear someone say, “I’m really just watching it for the commercials,” this is your holiday…

To the gambling men who spent your last five dollars on the hope that the randomly assigned numbers in your square will match the final score, this is your holiday…

To the early birds who consider sitting in a giant cold parking lot and drinking beer with men you hardly know an ideal way to start a Sunday morning, this is your holiday…

To the impatient fans who think two weeks is way too long to wait for the greatest game of the year, this is your holiday…

To the savvy shoppers who plan on trying to return your new HDTV at full price after only one use, this is your holiday…

To the overconfident couch potatoes who could do a better job coaching your team than the “bum” who currently gets paid millions to, this is your holiday…

To the loyal viewers who think four and a half ours of pregame just isn’t quite enough coverage, this is your holiday…

To the hungry men who have changed your diets for your ladies, but promise today there will be no fruits or vegetables! This is your holiday!

Raise your glasses sports fans. Today young men will become great men and great men will become legendary. This is Super Bowl Sunday, and this is our holiday!

Sports Addict's Prediction: Colts 31 Saints 24.

Sports Fan Emergency Entertainment Supply Kit

It’s been over a month since my last update. I’ve been stuck in my apartment, struggling to get my fix, but the NFL playoffs just haven’t had the good stuff this year. I’ve been trying to write an article about how boring they are, but for some reason I just couldn’t make that interesting… There’s been two good games and a lot of lousy blowouts. But two good games don’t cut it for an event that has spoiled us with so much great excitement in recent years, and a second string Pro-Bowl the week before the Super Bowl didn't make up for it. Entertain me!

Luckily I always have a secret stash of amusement to pick me up when my addiction gets bad. This time it consisted of two guys who are the best ever at what they do, another who hopes to one day have the same title, a rocket powered 3D acid-trip to a planet called “Pandora” and a reality show that’s so well-done that it makes auto racing seem entertaining.

Ha ha ha ha ha, Wipeout!

Leading up to this year’s Winter X Games, Shaun White asked his fans and the media honor a change in nickname from “The Flying Tomato” to “The Animal” after several people told him he looked like the drummer from The Muppets. The initial reaction was to reject the request, since lobbying your own nickname is frowned upon in the sports world for anyone other than Shaq (aka The Diesel, Big Aristotle, Shaqtus, Shaqovic, Osama Bin Shaq, etc.). But when White bashed his face on the edge of the half pipe during the warm up for the men’s finals, only to wipe off the blood and lay down one of the best runs in the history of snowboarding just moments later, it started to sound like a suitable nickname. Ok, it wasn’t quite Curt Schilling with a bloody sock, but it was tough.

White became the first ever to win three straight gold medals in Winter X’s marquee event. Aside from maybe Tony Hawk and Dave Mirra, he is the already the most accomplished athlete in X Games history at the ripe age of 23. If I were a betting man, I’d put all my money on The Animal wiping out the competition in Vancouver for his second straight Olympic Gold Medal.

Still the Best

During the Australian Open there was a lot of talk about whether Andy Murray was British, Scottish, Australian or Vietnamese and who could claim him as their own. But Roger Federer was much more concerned with thoroughly kicking his ass all over the tennis court and upsetting whomever the hell was cheering for him. The experts keep saying he’s fading, but maybe that just means he’ll only be winning two grand slams a year.

It’s unfortunate the last few slams haven’t offered us a Federer vs. Nadal matchup, but the reason is no matter how well Nadal plays against the big man, he still lacks the consistency to get to the finals every grand slam. Federer is the best to ever play the game and, along with Nadal, has brought excitement back to tennis. If there’s one international superstar athlete that has maintained his image on and off the court and actually seems like a good role model, it’s Tiger Woods… I mean Roger Federer, it’s Roger Federer! Stop waiting for his day to end and start appreciating what he’s done for the sport.

King Me

There’s been a lot of NBA bashing over the last few years, but I have always been a strong supporter (sometimes even stubbornly). But any sports fan has to admit that January gave us more exciting NBA regular season action than NFL playoff action (even including the Semi-Pro Bowl). I’ve never been a Lebron James fan per say. In fact, until now, I’ve always refused to refer to him by his royal nickname. But seeing him lead the Cavaliers to a nine game winning streak that started with him out-dueling Kobe, Wade and Durant makes it harder and harder not to consider Lebron the best player in the NBA.

The King and his men are sitting pretty with the best record in the association and he is the clear MVP frontrunner. I’d still rather have Kobe (and maybe a couple other guys) in the last few minutes of a big game and I think the Lakers will repeat as champs. But after Lebron and Kobe, you could argue that the Lakers have at least four players that are better than anyone on the Cavs (with all due respect to Osama Bin Shaq). And Lebron James is 25 years old! Michael Jordan was 27 when he led the Bulls to their first of six NBA titles. I’m not crazy about how he carries himself on the court or some of the things he says to the media, but maybe I should get use to it, because if he’s not the best in the world now, the King will have his reign soon enough and it should be a long one.

Avatar – I now see the world in 3D…

After hearing endless reports of audiences being mesmerized by James Cameron’s future fantasy land and the major advancement in 3D technology that was Avatar, as well as being bored to death by the NFL playoffs, I had to go see what all the fuss was about. After about five minutes of adjusting my eyes to the 3D glasses, I was lost in Pandora. With a fairly trite, cliché story line and very little character development, it isn’t necessarily “my kind of movie”, but it’s a rare case of the positives leveling out the negatives. Avatar is so awesomely mind-blowing it is impossible not to call it a great film. But as captivated as I was for two and a half hours while watching it, and as satisfied as I felt as I walked out of the theater, it still left me with mixed feelings. In ten years, when we have seen many great 3D films with impressive sci-fi and effects, will Avatar still seem so great?

Avatar sparked the discussion of soon-to-be launched 3D TV channels, starting with ESPN 3D. While this is very exciting, we will soon be spoiled with the technology and anxious for the day we can view the game as a hologram while sitting in a lazy boy right in the middle of the field. Or maybe we’ll have chips planted in our brains that allow us to view the game as if we were courtside while catching the bus home from work or taking your lady out to dinner. While new technology is great for sports and films, it is not all that makes them great and it will always be abused. Super Bowl XXXII, despite being broadcast in only standard definition television, is still the best NFL game ever played, and The Hurt Locker, despite being screened in only two dimensions, should still win the Oscar for Best Picture.

Best Show on Wheels

As I offer my analysis on the Australian Open and the Winter X Games, I’m sure you get the idea that I like to follow all sorts of sporting events. Still, I would rather wear cheese grater underwear while listening to Kenny G Christmas albums than watch more than ten minutes of any auto race. But my distaste for racing was trumped by my love for great documentary TV (I reserve the term “reality show” for game shows like Survivor despite not being based on any actual existing reality) as well as great character drama when I first came across History Channel’s new series, Madhouse.

Set at legendary Bowman Gray Stadium, Madhouse follows four teams of modified racecar drivers through their crash-filled soap opera of a season with excellent gritty videography and fast paced editing. All of our favorite characters are in it: The evil, bitter old king who wont step down; the prime hot shot who wants to steal the thrown; the prime hot shot who wants to take steal the thrown’s brother; the schizophrenic Jesus freak who got here all on his own; and the asshole who wins a lot but has no personality. Spoiler alert: They all hate each other!

I respect passionate sports fans, so there’s nothing I like to see more than a couple three hundred pound Carolina girls swearing at each other about which local semi-pro race car driver is king of the track. These lovable rednecks really are superstars in Winston-Salem, and if you watch the show, you might just start to understand why.

The 2009 Gunny Awards

2009 left us with a lot to remember. Despite this being only my second column of this series, I feel I have the duty to award some of the years most ridiculously addicting moments in sports. With no further ado, here are the 2009 Gunny award winners:

Disclaimer: Not all Gunny Awards are for positive achievements; some are given away to instill shame in the recipient. Gunny Awards do not physically exist and winners will receive no tangible compensation.

Bruce Campbell Award (Tough Guy Quote of the Year) – Rex Ryan

The old-school, trash-talking Jets coach could win this award for many of his clever anecdotes, but my personal favorite was the punch line that put an end to a media war with Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, when Ryan said, “I’ve walked over tougher guys going to a fight than Channing Crowder.”

Bobby Riggs Award (Biggest Blow to Male Gender) – David Stern

Stern recently said there is a “good possibility” that a woman will be playing in the NBA within ten years. Although I am a very big supporter of female sports, I do believe they should stay that way. And while I find it ridiculous when out of shape male sports fans disrespect female basketball players who would make them look foolish on the court, I can’t imagine Stern really thinks a woman will every play in the NBA.

Dr. John Award (Right Place, Wrong Time) – Marion Hossa

After coming up short in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals, Hossa treated the Penguins like a cliché 80s movie boyfriend and left them for the guy who beat them up, the Detroit Red Wings. If winning a Cup is your goal, going to Detroit makes sense. But Hossa ran into his ex-boyfriend in the 2009 Finals, and apparently he had been working out. Syndey Crosby and the Penguins defeated the Wings in seven games, and the ringless Hossa ran away to Chicago, falling for yet another boy. They were smart enough to get the prenuptial agreement this time.

Ted Turner Award (Most Successful Pothead) – Michael Phelps

Phelps’ infamous frat house bong toke photo brought pride to the weed community, shame to the sports community, and mixed feelings to the pot-smoking sports fan community. Winning 16 Olympic medals after clearing 6-foot bongs makes a stoner sitting on his couch feel comfortable that he could be doing the same thing. While he finishes another bag of Funyuns and changes the channel back to Cartoon Network. I don’t understand why everyone acted surprised, have you ever seen the guy eat?!

Don Draper Award (Least Faithful Husband) – Tiger Woods

There’s always a lot of competition for this award in the world of sports, but this year I think we all know who ran away with it. Almost drove away… Tiger Woods has always kept a squeaky-clean image with the media, helping him become the most heavily endorsed athlete in the world. But after an ugly marital tiff with his soon-to-be ex wife, more and more dirt is coming out of the Woods and Tiger is starting to make Wilt Chamberlain look like Don Rickles.

Rick James Award (Best Use of Bitch Slap) – Adrian Peterson

No one in sports ever acknowledges the move and it’s probably because there’s nothing else to call it. One of AP’s go to moves is literally the bitch slap, there’s no denying it, just ask Brown’s cornerbacks Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald. The Vikings back has been putting bitches in their places all year and shows no signs of letting up. Even after another costly fumble against the Bears, I’m still confident Peterson will bust out his favorite move when it matters most.

Oprah Winfrey Award (Biggest Narcissist) – Alex Rodriguez

I never thought A-Rod would win this award, with Floyd Mayweather arrogantly promoting himself on HBO’s 24/7, not to mention every wide receiver in the NFL. But when your reaction to steroid allegations is making out with your mirror image in Details Magazine, the word narcissistic comes to mind. He’s in some run down dance studio with a dirty mattress in the background, and looks more uncomfortable performing his borderline sexual athletic stretches than we are looking at him. To sum it up, it was pretty much the most awkward photo gallery ever printed. Granted he did finally win a world series this year, but I prefer to discuss the truly important issues.

Arthur Fonzarelli Award (Jumping the Shark) – MVPuppets

When Nike first introduced the MVPuppets campaign last spring people were laughing hysterically at puppet characters of Kobe Bryant and Lebron James struggling to share a two-bedroom apartment. Now they are in some sort of Christmas rap video, dancing with Santa’s elves while a rain deer tears up the 1’s and 2’s and keeps the party rocking. Nike has given us some of the best advertising of all-time, but this campaign is starting to make Geico’s Cavemen seem fresh.

Paul Reubens Award (Can’t keep his hands off his balls) – Thierry Henry

I don’t know much about soccer, but I do know that your not allowed to touch the ball with your hands unless you’re a goalie… or French. When Theirry Henry of France scored the goal that ended Ireland’s 2010 World Cup hopes, there were two obvious handballs right in front of the ref. Maybe the second one cancels out the first? Like I said, I don’t know much about soccer. Tough break Ireland, although you’re probably use to it by now.

G-Unit Award (Gangsta Shit) – Marv Albert

There is no better way to win the G-Unit Award than stirring up fight with 50 Cent’s posse and not backing down. Leave it to a 68 year-old hooker-biting broadcasting legend to take on a billboard dominating rapper who’s been shot nine times (so he claims). Well the old man didn’t need guns or numbers, all he needed was TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy to step up to the entire Unit. Now that’s gangsta shit! Apparently 50’s crew didn’t recognize Albert… If your entourage feels threatened by Marv Albert and a public relations specialist, you either need to stop making so many enemies, or stop calling yourselves “Gangsta Unit”.

Congratulations to all of the 2009 Gunny Award winners. We can only hope 2010 will be an equally absurd, hilarious and offensive year of sports.

Introduction and Confession

I guess the idea is that if I spend so much time watching SportsCenter repetitively while using my Cheeto-covered fingers to navigate through multiple fantasy teams on my laptop, I should put this useless sports knowledge to use. I decided to express myself through an art form that only the most brilliant and credible writers of our time have tapped into: blogging.

With me, sports are an addiction. Sometimes I wake up on a beautiful fall day and want nothing more than to go outside and enjoy the sun and leaves before they’re swallowed into another vicious Chicago winter. Then I realize that Saturday features three ranked college football matchups in a row and I can watch all of them in my own apartment without moving or talking to anyone. And Sunday I have to go to the bar and monitor all the players on my eleventh place fantasy team while I see how many 25-cent Buffalo wings I can finish without ordering another $6 Budweiser to wash them down. As a result there’s about 18 hours of football to watch on Saturday and Sunday, not to mention Monday night. In case you’re wondering ladies, I am single.

I have an addictive personality, and I’m also very passionate. When I become interested or entertained with something I tend to bury myself in it and use it to escape from anything remotely productive. Fantasy football, pandora.com, Chicago-style pizza, Simpsons DVDs, monopoly online, bizarre Korean movies where you don’t know if the guy is really a robot or it’s just some far-fetched metaphor for humans being slaves to society… Well anyways, all of those things have eaten up my free time like it was Chicago-style pizza. Mmm... Chicago-style pizza...

Since I’ve always spent so much time and mental energy absorbing media, I’ve always tried to do something with it. I constantly had hip-hop music in my ears, so I got turntables and learned to DJ. I spent my entire life watching TV, so I majored in it in college (seriously). I study sports like an Adderall-popping grad student on finals week, so I feel the need to write about it. So here goes nothing…

My name is Gunnar Ludwig, and I am a sports addict. I remember when it first got bad… I was 11 years old… so young… and I was brought to tears when my beloved Detroit Red Wings were upset by the inhumane Colorado Avalanche in the 1996 Western Conference Finals. That was when I realized I have a problem: I care about sports way too much. And like Barry Bonds’ head, that problem has never stopped growing.

I begin writing this to reach out to those who relate to me, and educate while I struggle to get better myself. Also, because I have too much free time and I’m desperate for attention. I will keep you updated on my highest and lowest points on a weekly basis. I have decided to go my own path, to many of your dismay, and not to use the lord. He and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things… plus I heard he’s a Cowboys fan… I hate the Cowboys…

So if you hear me telling Lebron that dancing looks better with rings on, or arguing that MMA will never be as relevant as boxing, I hope you don't get angry or offended. Please try to realize that I am simply trying to cope with my addiction, and your responses are always encouraged. Thank you, and stay tuned…