The 2009 Gunny Awards

2009 left us with a lot to remember. Despite this being only my second column of this series, I feel I have the duty to award some of the years most ridiculously addicting moments in sports. With no further ado, here are the 2009 Gunny award winners:

Disclaimer: Not all Gunny Awards are for positive achievements; some are given away to instill shame in the recipient. Gunny Awards do not physically exist and winners will receive no tangible compensation.

Bruce Campbell Award (Tough Guy Quote of the Year) – Rex Ryan

The old-school, trash-talking Jets coach could win this award for many of his clever anecdotes, but my personal favorite was the punch line that put an end to a media war with Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, when Ryan said, “I’ve walked over tougher guys going to a fight than Channing Crowder.”

Bobby Riggs Award (Biggest Blow to Male Gender) – David Stern

Stern recently said there is a “good possibility” that a woman will be playing in the NBA within ten years. Although I am a very big supporter of female sports, I do believe they should stay that way. And while I find it ridiculous when out of shape male sports fans disrespect female basketball players who would make them look foolish on the court, I can’t imagine Stern really thinks a woman will every play in the NBA.

Dr. John Award (Right Place, Wrong Time) – Marion Hossa

After coming up short in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals, Hossa treated the Penguins like a cliché 80s movie boyfriend and left them for the guy who beat them up, the Detroit Red Wings. If winning a Cup is your goal, going to Detroit makes sense. But Hossa ran into his ex-boyfriend in the 2009 Finals, and apparently he had been working out. Syndey Crosby and the Penguins defeated the Wings in seven games, and the ringless Hossa ran away to Chicago, falling for yet another boy. They were smart enough to get the prenuptial agreement this time.

Ted Turner Award (Most Successful Pothead) – Michael Phelps

Phelps’ infamous frat house bong toke photo brought pride to the weed community, shame to the sports community, and mixed feelings to the pot-smoking sports fan community. Winning 16 Olympic medals after clearing 6-foot bongs makes a stoner sitting on his couch feel comfortable that he could be doing the same thing. While he finishes another bag of Funyuns and changes the channel back to Cartoon Network. I don’t understand why everyone acted surprised, have you ever seen the guy eat?!

Don Draper Award (Least Faithful Husband) – Tiger Woods

There’s always a lot of competition for this award in the world of sports, but this year I think we all know who ran away with it. Almost drove away… Tiger Woods has always kept a squeaky-clean image with the media, helping him become the most heavily endorsed athlete in the world. But after an ugly marital tiff with his soon-to-be ex wife, more and more dirt is coming out of the Woods and Tiger is starting to make Wilt Chamberlain look like Don Rickles.

Rick James Award (Best Use of Bitch Slap) – Adrian Peterson

No one in sports ever acknowledges the move and it’s probably because there’s nothing else to call it. One of AP’s go to moves is literally the bitch slap, there’s no denying it, just ask Brown’s cornerbacks Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald. The Vikings back has been putting bitches in their places all year and shows no signs of letting up. Even after another costly fumble against the Bears, I’m still confident Peterson will bust out his favorite move when it matters most.

Oprah Winfrey Award (Biggest Narcissist) – Alex Rodriguez

I never thought A-Rod would win this award, with Floyd Mayweather arrogantly promoting himself on HBO’s 24/7, not to mention every wide receiver in the NFL. But when your reaction to steroid allegations is making out with your mirror image in Details Magazine, the word narcissistic comes to mind. He’s in some run down dance studio with a dirty mattress in the background, and looks more uncomfortable performing his borderline sexual athletic stretches than we are looking at him. To sum it up, it was pretty much the most awkward photo gallery ever printed. Granted he did finally win a world series this year, but I prefer to discuss the truly important issues.

Arthur Fonzarelli Award (Jumping the Shark) – MVPuppets

When Nike first introduced the MVPuppets campaign last spring people were laughing hysterically at puppet characters of Kobe Bryant and Lebron James struggling to share a two-bedroom apartment. Now they are in some sort of Christmas rap video, dancing with Santa’s elves while a rain deer tears up the 1’s and 2’s and keeps the party rocking. Nike has given us some of the best advertising of all-time, but this campaign is starting to make Geico’s Cavemen seem fresh.

Paul Reubens Award (Can’t keep his hands off his balls) – Thierry Henry

I don’t know much about soccer, but I do know that your not allowed to touch the ball with your hands unless you’re a goalie… or French. When Theirry Henry of France scored the goal that ended Ireland’s 2010 World Cup hopes, there were two obvious handballs right in front of the ref. Maybe the second one cancels out the first? Like I said, I don’t know much about soccer. Tough break Ireland, although you’re probably use to it by now.

G-Unit Award (Gangsta Shit) – Marv Albert

There is no better way to win the G-Unit Award than stirring up fight with 50 Cent’s posse and not backing down. Leave it to a 68 year-old hooker-biting broadcasting legend to take on a billboard dominating rapper who’s been shot nine times (so he claims). Well the old man didn’t need guns or numbers, all he needed was TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy to step up to the entire Unit. Now that’s gangsta shit! Apparently 50’s crew didn’t recognize Albert… If your entourage feels threatened by Marv Albert and a public relations specialist, you either need to stop making so many enemies, or stop calling yourselves “Gangsta Unit”.

Congratulations to all of the 2009 Gunny Award winners. We can only hope 2010 will be an equally absurd, hilarious and offensive year of sports.

Introduction and Confession

I guess the idea is that if I spend so much time watching SportsCenter repetitively while using my Cheeto-covered fingers to navigate through multiple fantasy teams on my laptop, I should put this useless sports knowledge to use. I decided to express myself through an art form that only the most brilliant and credible writers of our time have tapped into: blogging.

With me, sports are an addiction. Sometimes I wake up on a beautiful fall day and want nothing more than to go outside and enjoy the sun and leaves before they’re swallowed into another vicious Chicago winter. Then I realize that Saturday features three ranked college football matchups in a row and I can watch all of them in my own apartment without moving or talking to anyone. And Sunday I have to go to the bar and monitor all the players on my eleventh place fantasy team while I see how many 25-cent Buffalo wings I can finish without ordering another $6 Budweiser to wash them down. As a result there’s about 18 hours of football to watch on Saturday and Sunday, not to mention Monday night. In case you’re wondering ladies, I am single.

I have an addictive personality, and I’m also very passionate. When I become interested or entertained with something I tend to bury myself in it and use it to escape from anything remotely productive. Fantasy football, pandora.com, Chicago-style pizza, Simpsons DVDs, monopoly online, bizarre Korean movies where you don’t know if the guy is really a robot or it’s just some far-fetched metaphor for humans being slaves to society… Well anyways, all of those things have eaten up my free time like it was Chicago-style pizza. Mmm... Chicago-style pizza...

Since I’ve always spent so much time and mental energy absorbing media, I’ve always tried to do something with it. I constantly had hip-hop music in my ears, so I got turntables and learned to DJ. I spent my entire life watching TV, so I majored in it in college (seriously). I study sports like an Adderall-popping grad student on finals week, so I feel the need to write about it. So here goes nothing…

My name is Gunnar Ludwig, and I am a sports addict. I remember when it first got bad… I was 11 years old… so young… and I was brought to tears when my beloved Detroit Red Wings were upset by the inhumane Colorado Avalanche in the 1996 Western Conference Finals. That was when I realized I have a problem: I care about sports way too much. And like Barry Bonds’ head, that problem has never stopped growing.

I begin writing this to reach out to those who relate to me, and educate while I struggle to get better myself. Also, because I have too much free time and I’m desperate for attention. I will keep you updated on my highest and lowest points on a weekly basis. I have decided to go my own path, to many of your dismay, and not to use the lord. He and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things… plus I heard he’s a Cowboys fan… I hate the Cowboys…

So if you hear me telling Lebron that dancing looks better with rings on, or arguing that MMA will never be as relevant as boxing, I hope you don't get angry or offended. Please try to realize that I am simply trying to cope with my addiction, and your responses are always encouraged. Thank you, and stay tuned…